I’m an Amateur.

I’m an amateur. It doesn’t take much to notice that. I often find myself groping for what exactly I’m meant to be doing with my life. I wholeheartedly believe we all have an ideal path, a path accessible through searching and letting go, a path that evolves and challenges us. However, distractions and confusion are around every corner. I wake up to self-doubt and fear, and then go to bed with it at night. For a while, I thought Web/graphic design was 100% my current, ideal path. As it turns out, I was only scratching the surface.

Live the life of un-/underemployment long enough, then walk down the road of f-it-I’m-employing-myself road for a mere few months, and you’ll get to know yourself to such depths that you’ll know when what you’re doing isn’t it. How do I know when something I’m doing isn’t quite it? I get depressed and unfulfilled. Suddenly, I’m working just to get by. That’s what’s been happening with Web/graphic design lately. Not that I don’t enjoy it. I do.

It’s not enough. Something’s missing.

What I enjoy is creating tangible things and sharing knowledge. Since childhood, this has been true. And now I see what a life like that looks like (or could look like), and it’s feasible. I’d like to thank the current show at Beep Beep Gallery by BORN, Grain & Gram, and Monocle for opening my eyes a little.

I admit that I always viewed Web design as a stepping stone. Now, I realize that stepping stones easily become Resistance.1 In fact, they are Resistance. Teaching myself the skills wasn’t a mistake or a waste of time. But I also love to design/print posters and t-shirts, build/restore furniture, make sculpture, and play with fabrics.  By stopping at Web design, ignoring other aspects of my creative calling, like these things are something separate, turns out to be a mistake.

I still have no regrets. I had to do things how I did them to get to where I am right now. And who knows? I probably still don’t have the whole picture. That’s ok. I’ll constantly evolve until the day I take my last breath. But as of now, I’ll create day in and day out. I’ll do the work. I’ll be content again.

1 “Have you ever brought home a treadmill and let it gather dust in the attic? Ever quit a diet, a course of yoga, a meditation practice? Have you ever bailed out on a call to embark upon a spiritual practice, dedicate yourself to a humanitarian calling, commit your life to the service of others? […] Late at night have you experienced a vision of the person you might become, the work you could accomplish, the realized being you were meant to be? Are you a writer who doesn’t write, a painter who doesn’t paint, an entrepreneur who never starts a venture? Then you know what Resistance is.” –Steven Pressfield, The War of Art

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